"If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in the petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive." - Brene Brown, TED Talks
A recent video circulating online depicts a church in the USA where a teenager is called to the front of the congregation to offer an apology. In the video now viral on social media, the pastor instructs her to stand correctly and refrain from touching a nearby table as she addresses the congregation. The manner in which he tells her not to touch the table suggests she is "unclean," as if to prevent her from contaminating others.
The video has sparked media outrage, but some supporters argue that this was standard practice and that the church had its rules, which she needed to follow as a member. Even her mother expressed support for her daughter's public apology.
For those of us who were raised in traditional Orthodox church environments, many of these practices are familiar, as religion often conditions us to accept them; traditions and practices embedded in these systems seem normal until you recognize the rules are designed to mostly shame only women for any form of misconduct, despite the fact that activities like sexual intercourse involve both a man and a woman.
Growing up in these environments, you become accustomed to these practices without questioning them and might even start supporting these beliefs. Many women are indoctrinated and become complicit in sustaining these practices. Numerous older women encourage younger women to remain in abusive marriages and attempt to mend them, instead of confronting the man with the same measure of contempt.
Have you observed how her mother quickly moved to defend the practice in the church? And who remembers in "The Handmaid's Tale" by Margaret Atwood, when the wives held the women down as their husbands violated them? It is women who restrain girls during genital mutilation. Additionally, some women opt to stay in their marriages and stand by their husbands even when he is hurting their daughters. These convictions, upheld by the notion of men as the ultimate prize and everything being adjusted to suit their narratives, persist in putting more women and young girls at risk.
Boys are raised not to cry and suck it all up even when it breaks them. They grow up to become men who pass it on to their children. Girls are raised to carry the burden of chores, and then they raise their daughters with the same ideology that boys are not supposed to do chores. Children are abused at home, but the adults would rather protect the monsters than believe the victims. Girls are raised to think marriage is the ultimate (even those who are educated), and men are the prize, and your life needs to revolve around them to have a greater purpose. Women are expected to be obedient to men. No one challenges this; those who do are labeled as rebels.
As a Christian, you may face criticism for pointing out issues like these, regarded as outsiders who don't understand the Bible. Suddenly, when non-church members voice concerns about how harmful one-sided public repentance can be for the girl and baby, it is perceived as "attacking the church." People always have excuses for these types of rules as though it should even be a thing and look the other way when abuse happens in religious settings. The church should focus on empathy as much as it focuses on discipline and judgment, especially when it comes to women.
For instance, why should a pastor have the authority to decide that she never receives a baby shower? Why should a child, meant to be a blessing from God, be judged based on how they were conceived? This is something the innocent baby had no control over. Isn't this akin to judging people by their skin color, something they cannot influence? No one considers how this might affect the baby in the future, given that the video is online and whatever is on the internet remains there "forever"
Why is it acceptable for a young girl to publicly apologize to the congregation for an out-of-wedlock pregnancy, while the man involved is often shielded from similar treatment? Some churches argue that the boy is not a member, so the rules don't apply to him. Yet, no one questions the practice of subjecting a girl to this experience under the pretense of "correction," when it is based on a culture of shaming women and imposing the burden of decency on them, while men frequently escape accountability for their indiscretions.
So where is the girl's father, and where is her baby daddy? Clearly, the mother is not thinking about the trauma and baggage that will follow her daughter and the baby for the rest of their precious lives.