The Baggage of "Forgive and Forget"

The past week has been hectic on Nigerian social media, especially regarding events at the airports. Mad video clips everywhere. From that famous musician and the private jet pilot to the girl who was assaulted over an alleged "switch off your phone" incident, there's a lot going on in typical Nigerian society dynamics fashion. It has been very chaotic, but this piece is not about those events. Enough think pieces, analyses, and comments have been flying up and down.

Recently, I strolled back to Twitter (Elon Musk's X), and a pastor with a new-generation church was being called out for past posts, which include a quote or line from a song by an American rapper and record producer. Seemed to me, that was his "old self"; all things have now become metaphorically new. However, it is not always that simple.

The whole drama reminds me of how many grown adults in a religious country like Nigeria are walking around broken with baggage of emotional trauma because of the usual "forgive and forget" trope hidden under the guise of religion. Instead of addressing the issues, the first line of defense for many folks who run to use religion as a cover is "nobody holy pass"; "he who is blameless should cast the first stone"; "old things have passed away"..... oh please!

Too many people are walking around with unresolved issues. It's such a messed up mental and psychological space of existence. Humans who become angry teenagers, bitter adults, spouses, parents, neighbors, business partners, and leaders. Some even carry these bottled-up negative emotions through their professional lives and other relationships with people who are also coming from somewhere in their life's journey. Mixed-up, messy, and complex situations. People who are avoiding every opportunity to sit in that mess and deal with things. Run as far and as long as you want; the issues will be there. This does not change the fact that certain things happened.

No doubt, God forgives us when we decide to turn our lives around. God accepts us with all the freaky, messed-up situations in our past, but we must come to terms with the people we may have hurt in our past and make amends when the opportunity presents itself, and we can also strive to create opportunities for reconciliation when necessary. In this sense, I don't mean the quick "Oh, I am sorry; let's get over it and move on".

I mean being patient and honest enough to hear these people out, admit you hurt them, and give them space to process. This also means not forcing religion down anyone's throats as the yardstick or a reason they must forgive and forget. It is up to them to accept what you are offering and if it is enough restitution for the hurt you caused them. You should not tell people how to deal with pain, abuse, and hurt.

Of course, there are situations we can easily forgive and forget, but too many people can't get past bottled-up unresolved issues worsened by the mask of selective religious ideologies that allows alleged perpetrators to get away.

Growing is us as individuals taking stock of our journey and possibly embracing some form of therapy that allows us to recognize where we have been, where we are now, and where we are headed. It is also us recognizing the nuances and some of the things, people, and habits we have carried through different stages of our lives. To recognize those things, we need to drop off. Jumping the gun to the other side of "changed person" without realizing or refusing to recognize the shortcomings of our past lives would be dishonest to ourselves and the people in our lives. Candid and critical reflections will help us heal.

People who have been abused and their genuine feelings of hurt and pain being shoved aside because of a family trying to save face and a religious organization trying to save the reputation of its leadership and the person involved. Plus the followers who think nothing of the pain of the victims but call every allegation a smear campaign. Some have been silenced professionally.

It is my hope that the leadership of the church pastors can advise him to step back and deal with these issues and also share some of this journey publicly rather than the damage control he is doing online now. His questionable old tweets and some recent ones have raised questions about his position to give marriage counselling and lead a congregation. He should consider addressing those alleged old posts with faces that have now put others in compromising situations, the alleged tribal bigoted post, and the alleged lewd post about his little niece.

Man also needs to address whatever his wife is dealing with as a result of the issue resulting from those old posts being dug up. This is a no-brainer for his ministry and his marriage. Being an ordained minister does not auto-wipe out things that happened in the past. It must be properly addressed in fairness to all parties.

I must add that the wife in question and the spouses of whoever was caught in the crossfire may just not be bothered by whatever is happening on social media. However, it may be their way of coping with the emotional religious blackmail of "forgive and forget". One must resist the urge to cry more than the bereaved.

To add, no one is saying he is not a good religious leader or that he has not positively impacted people or questioning the call of God upon his life. As adults, many of us have stories of people with the "bad boys and girls" reputation from our secondary school and university days who have now become vessels for restoring others. We all have our journey of change and restoration. Religion should not be a cover for sweeping real issues under the carpet. Have the courage to address the elephant in the room. Attempting to shut people down solves nothing; it only fuels the digging of the rabbit hole into the past.

Stop Avoiding the real issues

Then there is the place of social media in all of these. One danger of social media is that when you put out certain posts at specific stages of your life based on the emotions you feel, it may come back to bite you even after you have grown as a person. That's why we must be careful with things we put out there, especially when our emotions are involved. If you are lucky enough not to have much engagement, you can go back and delete your post after you sleep on it and revisit your emotions.

For bigger accounts with huge engagements and followings, someone might screenshot it before you even have a chance to remove it. Life happens, things can go viral, and we become different people, but a post that goes out on the internet is forever, especially the one you leave out there.

It might also be safer to keep your relationship and private life off social media. Think of the option of dealing with things privately first before bringing it to social media as a very last resort. You don't have to share everything on social media. Your vulnerability on social media could become a burden later in your life. Your bid to connect with strangers by sharing everything that crosses your mind could cost you dearly. Hence, we must define how we engage with social media, bearing in mind that as humans, life happens and our situations can change. Once it's out there, it may be difficult to take it back.