For the first time in a long while, I finally feel seen reading a book that describes how complicated gunning for a PhD can get. I hear often that your supervisor makes or breaks your PhDing but either way, you discover, that it is such a painstaking, laborious, and existence-consuming endeavor. I have three children which means I have been to the delivery room three times and I tell you that PhDing is worse than those three times combined plus each of the nine-month gestation periods.
At least, with pregnancy, you are relatively clear about what you get yourself into and when you can expect the outcome but a PhD is like calculating and patiently taking each stride while being blindfolded hoping you do not land in the ditch. You hope and pray it is worth it when you finally cross that exalted stage.
I would say some days of PhDing are like an extended version of the gloom and depression I feel getting through my monthly periods with those near-death migraines but then I have my happy days which feel like eating my favorite ice cream and walking down the streets of Uppsala on the best Swedish summer days.
Yes, some days you have your highs; your good days; your very good days, and not-so-bad days. Like when I passed one comprehensive exam on the first attempt considering all the disorientation that consumed my life leading to that point. That was a major milestone - my upward trajectory in my PhD journey. There are also days when your research at the library or your desk at your home office yields something productive and useful.
Then you have your bad days, your very low-dark-bad days, and your "who even sent me message" days. Those days you have to dig out your "why", the reason you wanted a PhD, a strong reason deeper than the aura or the vibe of being called Dr. X. Like when I finish some of meetings and I am left discombobulated, even more, confused than my state of "knowing what I should be doing" before the meeting.
Exactly as Elaine Hsieh Chou writes "Yes, writing a dissertation is its own level in hell... waking up in a doorless, windowless room without knowing how you hot inside". This is very true because in your bad days and even ordinary days, you find yourself reading the same papers over and over but you do not see where this is going. You have heard already the cliché about some authors being the "it" and the "must read" and the "must reference" of your field but here you are reading and you can not grasp the use..... sometimes, it is a fruitless pursuit, a rabbit hole. You write and delete. For weeks, you have written nothing but it is okay.
Maybe your mind is crazy and maybe you have to admit this is imposter syndrome making you doubt your intelligence - the despair you risk writing down that this larger-than-life author in this field is not working for you but you must find some way to include their writing in your work because that is the standard. Then you are mad, in a state of an empty brain - drifting between laughter, chaos, and silence. Somedays, I do not know what I am doing. I just drift with my emotions..... I have come to understand- it is all part of the journey.
PhDing is riddled with standards that you are constantly reminded of - standards that may keep you walled within traditional disciplinary silos - standards you must respect and represent - experiences that make you question if you know anything anymore but you have to keep pushing and kicking till to get what you came for. You slip in and out being tortured by imposter syndrome because even when you know something - a single feedback can throw you off balance but even if that feedback is nothing personal (no matter how demeaning) you will be reminded - so, you don't get yourself all worked up and miss the message. Maybe you cry over the bad feedback because tears have a way of washing away your discontent - the sad emotional lump in your throat and getting it all together. Maybe, you convince yourself to finally take a break.
I would say that much of the weight of the PhD journey is the unspoken competition between other PhD students you meet. The assumption that the end game is pocketing a tenure-track position for most has a way of pitting students against each other. There is that drive to act and look intelligent, the fear of admitting in a packed room that you can not figure out what it is you are doing especially when you meet people flaunting the number of papers published. Honestly, people should not be living like that because it is not like these activities matter beyond the planet. It should not be that deep, really....
If you are lucky, you may find a few PhD students in the crowd who have no plans for tenure track positions; the laid-back kind of humans with whom you can share interesting conversations about practical everyday situations. You laugh at your foolishness and confess about your struggles. In this group - no one is trying to be smart - you are all trying to survive the PhD madness. The group who have plans of working outside academia - the real world and make their research more accessible and are content with publishing just one paper post-PhD. I would say, we need to find more of these kinds of people.
One of the difficult stages of PhDing is wondering how can say something new -"shockingly original and convincing"- in whatever language they describe it or better put - how you can say what has been said differently without risking plagiarism because, in truth, nothing is new under the sun, even in almighty academia but you need the sprinkle of complicated difficulty -disorientation - to get it done. The fight to stay true to the very reason you wanted a PhD while trying to make something out of a topic that may not even be interesting and complex because if it is not complicated, it would not live up to its reputation as you PhDing.
I have heard all manner of analyses and horror stories about getting a PhD and yes, believe every word you hear but you have to find the context, and the nuance and take it as a lesson for your journey - should you consider joining the madness. PhDing is more work life and dealing with people - sometimes you have a great boss and lukewarm-mannered colleagues or you have great colleagues and a terrible boss but you need the job pending when you can find your exit. So, you find a way to cope because quitting with nothing solid to move on to may not be worth the risk.
Apart from having an active and present family - I am a creative person who loves exploring. Hence, if you met me somewhere outside the four walls of the university, you may not be able to tell if I was deep into some PhD madness especially if you did not know me before. This has been deliberate on my part as I have understood over time that a PhD is more like a marathon. You take it one step at a time till you cross the finish line....it should not matter if you finished last or first, what counts for me at this stage of my life is that I finish, and that counts within the rules.
It is always important to have a life outside your PhD studies - skills, fun stuff, people - maybe a business - so you can have options and enjoy your life regardless of the chaos. By the time you are done with the PhD - if you do not drop out - you have options beyond academia; you still have a life. You have experiences and skills relevant to the bigger world without the pressure of jumping on the next postdoc position (if you do not deeply want it) because of how much PhDing consumes your life. It is a journey determined to take so much from you but you must fight not to let eat up the goodness in your life. Guard your joy fiercely and always be on the lookout for imposter syndrome.
For the most part, you are on your own - you must figure out your journey - the support is never enough if you are lucky to get any. Meanwhile, PhDing as an International student is a whole story for another day.