Book Review: Sex Lives of African Women by Nana Darkoa Sekyiama

The stories in this book are fascinating and shocking at the same time but worth the reading experience. This is partly because the topic of "sex" is awkward to imagine and discuss with and between women and girls in many African societies. Religious doctrines also do not help in many instances. As a Nigerian woman, talking about sex makes you feel uneasy unless you give yourself willingly to be educated and have the patience to unlearn all those framings that society and religion have drilled into you about how women should relate to anything sexual.

I can relate to some of these stories.

Even though the book is about the sexual experiences of different women, it speaks about self-discovery and freedom. To see sex from a non-judgmental point of view and different angles of what it means to these women. The book has also allowed me to put some of the things I feel now and in the past in clearer context with no burden of shame or feeling "dirty".

Freedom to think about sex without shame

Monogamy with the right partner saves you so much trouble because, as I see from the stories, the freedom that some of these women seek by avoiding the "bondage" or "control" of a single stable partner over time feels like a vacuum - some kind of feeling of emptiness that needs to be filled from time to time. In this case, Estelle wanted to leave because she was tired. The relationship was great, including how she described her in-laws, but she mentioned losing herself, wanting even more even in a loving relationship. She felt she was invisible. She wanted to leave, and the thought of how she was going to choose herself over the marriage, over a man she described as her best friend, broke her, but again, she wanted to choose herself, her happiness, and to explore her sensuality as a polyamorous person.

My copy of the book

Polygamy works for some, like the lady who married in her 40s as the 3rd/4th wife, but for others, they discover the challenge of being an open book, wanting to explore different energies, not being stable, and emotionally draining. The search for safety, consistency, and acceptance is a work in progress. You often hear stories of women wanting to leave abusive relationships, including the struggle with connecting with extended family members.

I personally think some of the stories reaffirm why minors should not be exposed to the act because it has a lifelong impact, but rather, education is important. I see how some of these women were exposed to the act early for whatever reasons but never really found what they were looking for. It's like chasing the first high again for addicts. Some are way older, but after many partners and "quickies" here and there, they are still looking for a way to balance spirituality and sensuality. Hence, it is one continuous journey.

We keep on searching in this journey called life

One thing I noticed about stories in this book about those who were abused very early in their lives is that something is forever "lost" or "stolen" that they never get back. What it does to these humans is that they become changed, especially in how they understand sex, how they want it, and who they eventually become as adults.

Sometimes, as I am reading these stories, I can see how their past experiences shaped what they have come to accept as their true selves, and even if they struggle to figure out what that is, they eventually get to a place in life that they are at peace with it. This includes defining what gender means to them, embracing multiple partners in a way that society can no longer shame them, and being determined and clear about what they want in this chaotic life.

The other thing is that many of these women discover "there is nothing outside," the grass is not exactly greener on the other side" but they can't go back to things, places, and people they have given up. Some have admitted that multiple partners are emotionally draining, which does not exactly end in the happily ever after. Some admit they are confused about what they want and what's next, but they will take their chances anyway because life itself is imperfect.

So they keep looking....

THE END.